


The End of the World as We Know it

by CarlyCo



Series: The Odinson-Stark Family [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Loki, BAMF Tony, F/M, Family Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Loki Does What He Wants, M/M, Parent Tony Stark, Secret Relationship, Thor Is Not Stupid, Tony Does What He Wants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 05:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4126650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarlyCo/pseuds/CarlyCo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Tony is nearly killed by one of Victor von Doom's doombots his relationship with a certain God of Mischief and Chaos is discovered by his teammates. However, they quickly learn that his questionable taste in significant others is the least of their troubles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The End of the World as We Know it

**Author's Note:**

> This story is complete cracky goodness derived from the deranged mind of the author. This series could technically be read as a series of one-shots.

The world was a very different place than it was just four years ago. Loki’s invasion of New York opened the floodgates for nutters and would-be super villains. It seemed as though his bid to take over the world inspired others or perhaps just assured them it could be an attainable goal. The Avengers had their hands full with upstart super villains these days. The good news was that the rise of super villains encouraged more heroes to step up. The Avengers were now allies with the Fantastic Four and Spiderman. Peter Parker avoided SHIELD like the plague so he rarely worked with the Avengers or the Fantastic Four unless absolutely necessary. It might have also had something to do with working with his father. It wasn’t a secret in the superhero community that Peter was Tony Stark’s illegitimate son and he wasn’t willing to stand in his father’s overly bright spotlight.

The Avengers and the Fantastic Four had been working in tandem for about two years. The Avengers were only loosely associated with SHIELD these days but some ties still remained because on occasion Black Widow and Hawkeye worked for the agency. The Fantastic Four didn’t maintain any professional ties with SHIELD for a myriad of reasons. Chief among them being they didn’t really trust Nicky Fury. In general, they only used the agency for evacuating civilians and organizing the clean up in the aftermath of fights. They were both primarily based in New York and often got together to strategize and socialize. Obsessed fans and mildly deranged members of the paparazzi made it difficult for the heroes to socialize like ‘average’ citizens. It was nice to have other people who understood the challenges.

They had devised a system for combating the super villains that seemed to enjoy targeting New York more than any other city in the United States. They assembled a list and divided it equitably by strengths, weakness, personal grudges, and motivations. Viper, Amora and Skurge, and Baron Zemo were the responsibility of the Avengers. Sandman, Electro, and Mephisto belonged to Spiderman. Dr. Victor von Doom, Super Skrull, and Wizard were most definitely on the Fantastic Four’s list of villains. However, Victor von Doom often proved to be the most difficult to corral. He had a burning hatred for Dr. Reed Richards. Their issues were most definitely personal.

Unfortunately, the fearsome foursome was on the other side of the country and Spiderman was on a plane back to New York from London, which meant the Avengers were tasked with guarding the city on their own until the other heroes returned tonight or tomorrow. That is how the Avengers ended up battling Doctor Doom and his doombots in the middle of the streets of New York on their day off work. Doom’s destructive little robots overwhelmed the Avengers at every turn. The allies shared dossiers on all of the villains so at the outset Captain America believed they could neutralize the threat before he hurt any innocent civilians.

However, Doom had given his doombots a few problematic upgrades since the last time he terrorized the city. They could be turned into walking bombs big enough to blast a hole clean through a skyscraper and out the other side. Doom had more than enough doombots to spare for just that purpose. Worse yet they were newly equipped with EMP technology that could short out any electronics in range of the blast. Iron Man learned that lesson the hard way today.

Stark had taken to the sky to chase after a flying doombot that was headed toward a hospital. Doom’s attack was too sudden and there had been no way to evacuate all of the patients and get them transported to another local hospital. Tony had to shoot the doombot out of the sky before they had casualties on their hands. However, as Iron Man blasted the doombot out of the sky it hit his suit with an electromagnetic pulse that took the majority of his systems offline. Tony’s power cell had been the first to go offline followed by the thrusters that were keeping him in the air.

The winter wind howled violently around Steve Rogers but he could barely hear it over the frantic thrumming of his heart. He watched helplessly as Iron Man’s disabled suit plummeted toward the Earth at an alarming rate. Thor and the Hulk were the only Avengers capable of stopping his rapid descent but Doctor von Doom was doing his best to keep them occupied. There was no one to save Tony and it was highly doubtful that he would survive the fall even in his armored suit. All Steve could do was hope that Tony died on impact. It was the only merciful thing to hope for in this situation.

Despite Steve’s adamant protests, Tony ordered his AI mute his comm. unit so that his teammates wouldn’t have to listen to him die. Steve was struck by the selflessness of that action. It wasn’t a decision he would have thought Tony Stark capable of when they first met. The ostentatious inventor was nothing like his father Howard but Steve had come to respect him. Tony had a good heart even if it was a bit damaged. He knew the man was too proud to admit it but he had heard the fear in Tony’s voice when he muted the comm. unit. It made Steve feel even more helpless. This wouldn’t be the first time he lost someone in battle but it never got any easier. He didn’t want to think about having to notify Tony’s children Peter and Darcy. They were adults but no one was ever prepared to lose a parent.

Suddenly, a woman appeared seemingly out of nowhere. She was wearing black denim jeans, an emerald green off the shoulder sweater, and a pair of leather thigh high boots. She pushed her sunglasses atop her head to keep her wavy black hair out of her face. The woman stared up at Iron Man as his suit sputtered.

Undoubtedly, JARVIS was working feverishly to get the suit back online but Tony didn’t sound optimistic that his AI would be able to do it before impact. JARVIS could probably solve the problem with time. However, sometimes you just needed more time than you had to give.

Steve wondered where the woman had come from. SHIELD agents and the local police evacuated all of the civilians from the area when the fight with Doctor von Doom first began. The only unfortunate souls left in the area were patients and staff at the hospital. However, SHIELD had agents posted at every door to act as a line of defense to keep Doom and his doombots from entering the hospital.

Steve grasped his shield and sprinted across the street to intercept the woman because she was standing under Tony’s approximate crash site. Steve couldn’t save his friend but he could protect an innocent from suffering a similar fate. He grasped her arm and said, “Ma’am, you need to leave this area immediately. It’s not safe.”

The woman raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at Captain America and scowled at him. “Kindly unhand me you blond oaf. I am not a damsel in distress in need of your subpar assistance. You can’t even keep your teammates from being flattened into pancakes.”

For good measure, she raised a well-manicured hand and the air around them began to crackle with energy. Green sparks started to fly as she hit him with a blast of emerald green magic in the middle of the chest.

The blast of energy sent Captain America careening toward a nearby building. However, some unseen force stopped him from crashing into the building just behind him. He blinked in absolute shock as his mind put the pieces together. He only knew of one person with green tinged magic and that was Thor’s bother, Loki Odinson.

He slowly got to his feet and retrieved his shield. He said, “Thor, I need to ask you a quick question. Can your brother become a woman?”

There was silence over the line but Hawkeye was the first to speak. “Say again, Cap? I couldn’t have heard you right.”

Steve sighed in exasperation. “You heard me right, Barton. But I wasn’t speaking to you. You mind your P’s and Q’s please. We have enough to worry about right now without you getting distracted.”

Thor hesitantly replied, “Aye, my brother has been known to take the form of a maiden from time to time. Why have you asked me this question at such a strange time, Captain?”

Hawkeye yelled, “Wait a minute! Loki can turn into a woman? What the actual fuck? How did we not already know that? Why isn’t that in his file somewhere under strange shit we need to know?”

Steve sighed and said, “Agent Barton, mind your language please. I asked because I think Loki is here. I will take care of this situation. The rest of you continue fighting Doom and his doombots. We can’t let them escape the cleared perimeter or we are going to start taking civilian casualties.”

Captain Rogers strode toward Loki ready to disable him somehow. Although, he wasn’t sure how to accomplish that nonviolently. He didn’t feel right fighting a woman even if she was actually Loki and still Asgardian. Hitting a woman went against all of his sensibilities. Steve also had the strangest feeling that he recognized her from somewhere. However, before he could do anything Loki created a massive block of his green energy and floated it in mid-air.

As Steve looked up, he realized the purpose. Loki was trying to stop Iron Man from crashing into the ground. He stilled his movements and looked at Loki in shock. He choked out, “What are you doing?”

Loki didn’t even bother looking at him. “I think that would be fairly obvious, Captain Rogers. I always assumed you were smarter than my dim-witted brother was. Please don’t live up to the stereotype of the dumb blond. Aspire to be more, Captain Rogers.”

He opened his mouth to respond but snapped it shut when Tony’s suit impacted with Loki’s magic. The green energy enveloped Iron Man and slowed his descent down dramatically. The suited floated downward in a pattern a leaf might take after falling from a tree.

A few moments later, Tony was safely on the ground in his crippled Iron Man suit. Loki leaned over and flipped open the suit’s faceplate and glared at Tony with a hand on her hip.

The inventor was out of breath from hyperventilating as he fell. However, he smiled and said, “Hiya, honey bunch.”

“I’ve only been away for a few hours and you try to get yourself murdered by a reprobate like Victor von Doom. I can’t leave you alone for a moment without a catastrophe and you weren’t even going to tell me. JARVIS alerted me to your dire predicament.”

Tony bristled at Loki’s tone. He knew this was only the beginning of a very long and somewhat familiar lecture. Tony laughed like a mad man. Leave it up to his AI to be stubborn enough to violate every protocol they set up. “JARVIS, did you call Loki without telling, Daddy?”

“My primary directive is always to protect your well-being, sir. I reviewed all of the potential options and I believed alerting Ms. Odinson was the most prudent course of action.”

Loki nudged him with the toe of her boot. “Do not blame JARVIS for doing the sensible thing. He is the only reason you have survived this long and I am eternally grateful to him.”

“Thank you, Madam.”

“You are quite welcome, JARVIS.”

Tony rolled his eyes as he listened to his AI and his significant other team up against him. “In my defense, I didn’t actually know where you were, Cupcake. I didn’t want you to feel guilty if you couldn’t make it here in time,” said Tony. He smiled when he saw Loki’s features began to soften at his admission. “Do you think you could help me out of my suit now? It is still fried and I can’t get out of it on my own.”

With the wave of a hand, Tony’s suit began to pull apart in sections. It folded itself into a neat little carrying case. He was badly bruised but nothing was broken and the best part was that he was still alive. He slowly got onto his feet and grinned at Loki. “How do you manage to look so sexy even when you are angry?”

Loki said, “I don’t have time for your flattery now, Stark. You may repay me properly later. I have business to take care of presently. Do try and keep yourself alive until I return. I will be most displeased if I return to find your cooling corpse. JARVIS, keep an eye on him.”

“Yes, Madam.”

Tony leaned in for a kiss. “You say the sweetest things, Cupcake. Although, if you are about to do what I think you are about to do then I am going to have to object.”

Loki sniffed derisively. “Well, your little suit is as useful as a tin can right now so I am not sure how you intend to stop me, Stark.”

He shook his finger in her face. “What has Daddy told you about calling him by his last name?”

She nipped his finger and grinned at his wounded expression. “What have I told you about referring to yourself as my Daddy? I killed my biological father and I refuse to speak to Odin. I would tread carefully were I you.”

Tony wrapped an arm around her waist and smirked. “Well, you aren’t me and that is why you love me.”

Loki rolled her eyes. “Your sentiment is not appreciated. Victor nearly killed you and I will have him answer for that. I am not fragile like a mortal and I will not allow you to treat me as such.”

“What about the little guy? You may not be mortal but he is at least half mortal,” Tony reasoned.

“ **She** will be fine and she will thank me for eviscerating the fiend that nearly killed her father. I believe the rest of the children will agree. You will not stand in my way.”

Steve had been watching the exchange with wide eyes but thought it was time to interrupt. He finally realized where he recognized this version of Loki. This was Tony’s on again/off again girlfriend Lorena Labeau. The inventor always claimed that they weren’t together for long enough period of times to warrant her meeting the Avengers. He cleared his throat. “Uh…what’s going on here?”

Tony finally realized they weren’t alone. He looked around Loki’s body and spotted Captain America. The man looked absolutely stunned. He waved. “Hey, Capsicle. How long have you been standing there?”

Loki chortled. “Silly, mortal. He has been here the entire time. He was standing vigil waiting for you to come crashing to the Earth. Such dedication. He’s like that little dog you showed me. I believe his name was Lassie?”

Tony had to stifle a laugh at the Lassie crack. Loki wasn’t nearly as hopeless with popular culture as Thor and Steve were. They regularly watched television in bed together. He murmured, “Be nice, Cupcake.”

Loki flicked her long raven locks and shrugged. “I don’t have to be nice to your little playmates, Anthony. That has never been our deal. You have delayed me long enough. I will deal with Victor at once.”

Before Tony could protest Loki teleported a few blocks over to where the fight had moved. She appeared in the middle of the street near Victor Von Doom. She flashed a feral grin at him. “Victor…you have been a very naughty boy.”

He turned around and sized up the woman in front of him. Doom grinned at Loki and asked, “Have you finally come to your senses and decided to join, Doom? Together the world would be no match. You would make a good queen for Doom and Latveria.”

Victor often salivated over Loki no matter what form the trickster God preferred from one day to the next. He desperately wanted to trace every inch of that lean body with his tongue. Snagging the would-be world conqueror would also help raise his reputation as a true super villain. He attempted to woo Loki on multiple occasions but his efforts were never appreciated. He had more luck with Amora the Enchantress but polyandry wasn’t really his thing and Skurge came as a package deal.

Loki studied her freshly manicured nails and sighed dramatically. “Your little country is hardly worthy of my attention. The same could be said for you, Victor. Furthermore, if I wanted to take over the world, I would do it without your help. Finally, I definitely would not be your queen. I top even when I am bottoming, dear.”

He gave a full-bodied laugh despite his growing irritation. Victor didn’t really handle rejection well. “The last time you tried to take over the world the Avengers trussed you up and sent you back home for punishment. At Doom’s side, you would not fail. At Doom’s side, you would be happy and you could top as much as you like. Doom likes to switch.” He stopped talking as if something occurred to him. “Why are you here if not to join Doom?”

“You very nearly destroyed something that belongs to me. I suppose I am still a selfish little princeling because I don’t like other people touching my things, Victor. Take heart because he lives. If you had snuffed out his brilliant life there would be no end to your suffering. I would keep you alive for centuries to wring pain out of you every second of every day.” 

Thor landed nearby. He hadn’t seen Loki in this form for many years but he still knew it well. He could not un-see what he walked in on between Loki and Fandral some years ago. “Loki! What are you doing here? What mischief have you come to cause?”

Loki looked over her shoulder. “Oh, do shut up, Thor. I grew weary of your stupidity centuries ago.” A dagger appeared in Loki’s hand. She leaped into the air and plunged the dagger into Victor von Doom’s chest to deflate his lung. At the same time, she weaved a spell to render the doombots useless.

The bots in the air began crashing to the ground like meteorites. They created large craters where they fell. The bots on the ground stopped moving altogether and powered themselves down.

Thor rushed forward. “Brother!” He stopped and then corrected himself. “Why have you done this, Loki? Why would you help my shield-brothers and me? Is this some sort of game or do you truly wish to join us?”

She shrugged and lowered her sunglasses back onto her eyes. “He interrupted my pedicure and I don’t like being interrupted when I am treating myself to a spa day. I get so little ‘me time’ these days. I decided to lend a hand since you all seemed incapable of putting an end to his little reign of terror.”

Tony arrived on foot and was a little out of breath. He slid between the two of them and eyed Doom’s bleeding body. “Cupcake, I thought we had a deal about killing people.”

Thor’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Who is this Cupcake you speak of, Man of Iron?”

Steve cleared his throat. “Uh, I believe Tony is talking about Loki. It seems the two of them are…”

Thor studied the two of them closely. He groaned quietly. “Why must you do these things, Loki? Why can’t you make your own friends for…swiving?”

Loki sighed dramatically. “We are on Midgard, Thor. Just call it fucking…everyone else does.”

Tony glared at Loki over his shoulder. “Rude! We’re not just doing that…although we do that a lot. And it’s pretty fucking awesome. We’re engaged! I put a ring on it and everything.” He grabbed Loki’s hand to show off the engagement ring. “Property of Tony Stark.”

Thor growled and made a move to grab Tony but Steve stepped in the way. There was usually a camera pointed in the direction of the Avengers and it wouldn’t be good for the public or would-be villains to see them fighting amongst themselves. 

Natasha and Clint came out from their positions now that the doombots had been summarily dispatched. Romanov eyed Loki cautiously and rested her hand on the gun in her holster.  She recognized the woman in front of her as Tony’s sometimes fling and was quickly calculating how long this had been going on according to tabloid accounts.

Loki turned Tony around and kissed him. “As much as I would love to stick around and watch your dull friends put together the pieces I am running late. I will see you at the tower later, Anthony. I will not have them delay our dinner plans for this evening. Everyone will arrive shortly before 8:00.”

He sighed and said, “Yes, dear.”

Loki disappeared in a puff of green mist.

Clint’s eyes widened. “Was that Loki? Shouldn’t we have arrested him or something? Why didn’t anyone tell us that he could turn into a chick? A hot one at that? I mean those legs go on for days in those boots.”

Thor growled at Barton and the archer eased out of the god’s sight.

Tony looked around at everyone’s faces. He cleared his throat. “Uh, we should probably call SHIELD to clean up the mess Doom left behind. Oh, and maybe call an ambulance. He is still sort of alive if that gurgling sound behind me is him. Oh, and ask one of the agents to scavenge a doombot for me. I need to figure out that EMP so that I have a way to counter it. Lokes might not to be able to save my ass the next time.”

Thor grasped Tony’s shoulder to prevent him from leaving. “I will have an explanation from you, Man of Iron. What are you doing with my sister?”

Tony groaned and ran a hand through his messy brown hair. “Listen, I am sure everyone wants explanations at this point. Nevertheless, I nearly died so I am going to go to the tower to get a drink. You can all join me or not. It doesn’t matter to me either way. Give me 30 minutes. I want to take a shower first.”

He turned and started walking toward Avenger Tower. He was only a few blocks away and figured walking was better than waiting for SHIELD to provide transportation. Tony was sore all over and all he wanted to do was get home to have a well-deserved drink. Lugging his disabled armor with him was a pain in the ass but he wouldn’t trust anyone else with it.

This wasn’t how he intended to tell the other Avengers about his relationship with Loki. He didn’t have a plan but it certainly wouldn’t have been this way. Tony had no doubt that Natasha was probably briefing SHIELD on what happened at this very moment. Fury was probably going to lose his shit and have a heart attack or an aneurysm. The man really didn’t know how to take things in stride.

The walk to the tower was shorter than he anticipated. On the other hand, perhaps Tony was just too lost in his own thoughts to pay any attention to the passage of time. There was no way his friends wouldn’t feel betrayed by the depth of Tony’s deception. His relationship with Loki had been going on for well over two years at this point.

When he entered the building, Tony made a beeline for the elevators after making sure he was alone. He didn’t want anyone trying to sneak in any questions until he was sufficiently sauced. Thankfully, it seemed that he had lost the rest of the team somewhere along the way or perhaps they were never following him at all. Tony really couldn’t be sure because he stopped paying attention as soon as he started walking.

Tony walked into his penthouse and placed his damaged suit on top of the bar. He grabbed the largest glass he could find and filled it to the brim with scotch. Tony took a large gulp and sighed happily. “Glenfiddich you are my only friend. You won’t judge me because I am with Loki. Will you? Of course you won’t. You are the one that helped me get into his tight leather pants to begin with.”

He took a few more gulps and then refilled his glass. He considered leaving the bottle behind but quickly decided against that. He would need another refill sooner rather than later and he was too sore to make the round trip. Tony took another satisfying gulp on the way to his bedroom to get a shower. He wanted to be clean and wearing clothes not covered in sweat and blood by the time he had to sit down with everyone.

“JARVIS initiate Protocol 15.”

“Right away, sir. Shall I call Miss Potts as well?”

Tony gulped down the last of his scotch and said, “Not unless everything goes completely sideways and I get tossed into a SHIELD black site.”

JARVIS said, “That would never happen, sir.”

He huffed out a laugh and asked, “Would you rescue Daddy?”

The AI sounded affronted. “SHIELD would never be able to exit the tower with you in their custody, sir.”

Tony didn’t doubt the sincerity of JARVIS’s words. His AI had operational control of all the electronic and mechanical devices in the tower. He also had access to an impressive number of suits that didn’t require a human operator. JARVIS was his own one-man army and he would protect Tony at all costs. The inventor was unsure if that was just his programming or the sign of his growing independence. JARVIS was seemingly to become even more independent as he became further incorporated into Tony’s family life. His AI even had personal preferences for things like movies and music.

He left the bottle and glass on his dresser and walked into the bathroom. His overpriced but completely worth it five person shower was really going to come in handy today. He intended to stand in the middle and let all of the nozzles spray over him. The hot water would work wonders on his sore muscles. Doom’s bots had really done a number on him before his suit short-circuited.

When Tony emerged from his bedroom dressed in a Pink Floyd t-shirt and a pair of jeans he was surprised to see Loki sitting on the couch waiting for him. However, he smiled happily. “When you said later on I thought you meant…”

Loki laughed. “I knew you would try to stall for as long as possible but I am afraid this is a situation that will not keep. Your teammates and the Furious one will be here quite soon. Imagine they are only waiting for Dr. Banner to recover. I would not leave you to face this alone. I only had to make a quick trip to pick up Fenrir. He is in his room taking a nap. He was cranky. It must have been because someone let him stay up late last night.”

Tony looked up into the air with a grin and said, “I wonder who would do a thing like that. All responsible adults know that toddlers need their rest.”

Loki shook her head and said, “Well, that explains the situation perfectly. You are neither responsible nor are you an adult.”

He pointed at her. “Hey! Watch it.” Tony flopped onto the space beside her. He sighed and said, “This isn’t how I wanted them to find out about us.”

“Well, you didn’t want them to find out about us until after the wedding. Your comrades learning the truth so soon complicates things. However, it does not have any bearing on our plans. We will just have move up our timetable.”

Tony said, “It’s not like you are a villain anymore. You have given that up completely. I mean you play the odd prank every once in awhile to stave off boredom but you haven’t done anything to hurt anyone or destroy property since Odin sent you here.”

Loki looked thoughtful as she studied something on the StarkPad laying on her lap. She said, “Yes, but that is hardly going to be of any comfort to them. They all hate me and rightfully so considering the crimes I committed against your world. They know me in only that way…world destroyer, trickster, Thor’s demented little brother. I only hope my assistance with the Skrulls will buy me a little grace. I don’t care if they like me but I would not like to make your life more difficult.”

He shrugged. “I don’t care how they see you. I know you—the real you.”

JARVIS said, “Sir, the Avengers, Agent Coulson, and Director Fury are requesting access to your floor. They are quite impatient and do not seem inclined to wait. Director Fury is attempting to override my security protocols. He has failed approximately six times.”

Tony sighed. “Should we let them up? I mean Fenrir is here and I can’t predict how Fury will react.”

She said, “It is fine. Thor would never allow your director to harm Fenrir. He would pluck out the man’s other eye if he even gazed at my son for too long.”

The inventor huffed out a laugh and lifted a wrist to show her his bracelet. “I am not worried about Fury doing anything to harm Fenrir. I wouldn’t let the one-eyed bastard get near him. I only meant that I don’t want the inevitable yelling to wake him up or worse scare him.”

Loki laughed airily and pulled him into a rough kiss. “Mmm, my hero. Don’t worry about Fenrir. I weaved a soundproofing spell on his bedroom and JARVIS is monitoring him in case he wakes up.”

Tony smirked after the kiss and ran his hand up her thigh. “You know I love when you wear these boots. I always have the desire to see you with nothing else on. Do you think we have enough time to fool around a bit?”

“You might be able to hold off Fury and the others but Thor will just fly up here and burst through your doors. While I wouldn’t care if he walked in and found us in flagrante…I think it might end poorly for you. He gets ever so cross when I seduce his friends.”

He growled and nipped her collarbone. “You didn’t seduce me, Cupcake. I seduced you and I had better be the last one of Thor’s friends you ever fuck.”

She giggled. “You are so incredibly sexy when you get jealous, love. Now let your friends up so that we can get this over with, Anthony. I want you to ravish me as soon as they leave.”

“You can let them up, JARVIS.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tony put an arm over the back of the couch so that his arm was around Loki’s shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and relaxed with a glass of scotch in the other hand.

A few minutes later, the elevator dinged and the doors opened into the living area of Tony’s penthouse.

The Avengers trooped in one by one with Coulson and Fury bringing up the rear. Their expressions were something of a mixed bag. However, anger and confusion seemed to be present in equal parts.

The Avengers and Coulson all sat down on the couch and chairs opposite them. Thor was the only one to sit on the couch with Tony and Loki. The thunder god eyed them warily but seemed resigned about the situation. He knew better than most hat Loki did whatever he wanted. Even the All-Father was hard pressed to dissuade the youngest Odinson.

Director Fury elected to stand. He glared at the couple lounging on the couch nonchalantly. “What the fuck is going on, Stark? Please tell me you aren’t fucking this crazy motherfucker! You can’t be that hard up.”

The billionaire cocked his head to the side and said, “Well, I’m not sure what you want me to say because…I kinda am. Like a lot. In fact, I’d like to wrap this up quickly because there are some things I’d like to do to thank her for saving my life today.”

Loki practically purred against Tony’s ear at that. “Oh, you can thank me repeatedly, darling.”

Fury recoiled at the obvious intimacy between them.

He smirked and warned, “If you do that again I can’t guarantee that I will be able to wait until they leave.”

“You are hardly deterring me, Anthony. You know how I so love an audience,” Loki replied with a wicked lilt to her voice.

Thor buried his face in his hands and groaned softly. He shook his head in abject despair.

Fury said, “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t throw the both of you into a cell right now, Stark. You are fucking a war criminal! He is in this tower where he could be spying on the other Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. operations. I can’t even begin to name the charges that could and should be leveled against you.”

Tony said, “Loki is a war criminal that you turned over to Asgard to face punishment. The All-Father handed down that punishment and Loki completed the terms to his satisfaction. You know that to be true because Thor brought you that neat little scroll with the glowing words. Loki does not spy on the Avengers or S.H.I.E.L.D. because you hold no interest.”

Loki flicked her hair and said, “I have better things to do with my time than concern myself with your little band of warriors. I have a business to run and a family to manage. I haven’t caused you any true distress. If I had caused real trouble, the All-Father would have stepped in by now. Heimdall watches at all times to ensure I am behaving as a good little Odinson should.”

Clint snorted and gave her an appraising look. He asked, “Son?”

Tony pointed at Barton and said, “Oi! Stop looking at her tits.”

He shrugged and moved his gaze up to Loki’s eyes. “I can’t help it. They’re nice. Why are you a woman?”

Loki asked, “Why are you a man?”

“Ah, I was born a man,” Clint replied as if it was obvious.

“And I was born with the ability to shape shift so that I can be whatever I would like to be. For the last couple of months I have had to be female exclusively but in a few months I will be able to shift into my male form again at will.”

Tony grinned and said, “I can’t wait for that. Boy Loki is just as much fun as Girl Loki.”

Steve blinked and said, “Tony, I thought…but you are…”

“I’m Tony Stark. I do whatever and whoever I want. Gender has never been a hang up of mine. As long as you turn me on and Loki definitely turns me on—male or female.”

Thor stared a Loki for a moment and then he began to smile. “Loki, you are with child?”

Fury balked. “What the fuck did you just say?” He looked at Coulson and asked, “What the fuck did he just say?”

Bruce Banner sat up more in his chair and looked at Tony expectantly. He had read the myths about Loki bearing children but he never knew if they were true. It never seemed appropriate to ask Thor about his younger brother’s sexual exploits.

Loki laughed and said, “You picked a perfectly inappropriate time to be bright, Brother. I count on your idiocy more often than not. Yes, I am with child you great thundering oaf.”

Thor grinned. “Congratulations, Loki! I am very pleased to become an uncle again. We must tell Mother at once. She will be quite pleased also. She has wanted more grandchildren for such a long time.”

“Mother already knows that I am pregnant, Thor. Heimdall sees all. He told her that I had not taken my male form in weeks and she came to the same conclusion that you did. She visited us a few months ago while you were in London with Dr. Foster.”

Barton said, “But you’re a dude.”

Loki rolled her eyes. “Do I look like a man to you right now, Birdbrain? This is a fully functional body. Anthony and I were a little overzealous during our vacation in Barbados. Now I am with child.”

Tony grinned at his friends and said, “This is the part where you congratulate me on becoming a father again.”

Steve said, “Congratulations, Tony.”

Fury asked, “Are you out of your motherfucking mind? You managed to get an insane Norse God pregnant! You’ve got to be the stupidest son of a bitch I’ve ever met, Stark. We’re taking Loki in for examination. We need to know what is going on. For all you know he could be lying to you. If there is a baby, it could be dangerous. We have all read the myths about Loki’s offspring. We can’t take any chances with it.”

Tony leaned forward and lowered his voice to a near growl, “You aren’t taking Loki anywhere and you aren’t getting anywhere near my child. If Loki gets so much as a skinned knee that I can’t explain…I will make what the Chitauri did to New York look like child’s play.”

Fury’s one eye widened considerably. “Are you threatening me? Where the hell do you get off, Stark?”

The inventor stood up and said, “It’s not a threat it is a promise. Don’t think that getting rid of me will stop my wrath from coming down on all of you. There are contingencies in place in case of my death. Even from the grave, I will continually fuck your shit up, Fury. I am no hero and you’ve known that about me all along. I protect Earth because it is in my best interest but if you fuck with me and mine…I will no longer give a single fuck about this craggy rock. Do we understand each other?”

Agent Coulson looked between Tony’s furious face and Thor’s stony expression. The thunder god’s grip on his hammer tightened the moment Fury declared his unborn niece or nephew a threat. He cleared his throat and said, “Sir…sir…”

Fury snapped, “Not now! I am not afraid of your little threat, Stark. We would dismantle JARVIS as soon as you were dead.”

JARVIS replied, “I would like to see you try, Director. Any threats against Mr. Stark, his family, or myself will be seen as a declaration of war and I will treat it as such.”

Natasha looked up at a nearby camera feeling a bit discomfited. Angry Tony was one thing but angry JARVIS was completely different. He would be a formidable foe both in the real world and in the digital world.

Fury realized he might has gone a bridge too far when he was threatened by the machine.

Loki reached up and took Tony’s hand. “Calm down, dear. Director Fury is just trying to raise your ire. He knows well enough that he can’t actually incarcerate me unless he would like to cause a diplomatic incident. The All-Father is not what you would call a benevolent god. He is even less benevolent than even I. He would smite your director and all those that stood in his way.”

Thor winced but knew this to be true. Odin had little tolerance for anyone going against his wishes. He certainly wouldn’t welcome mortals second guessing his decisions.

Fury decided to take a different tact. He asked, “How long has this bullshit been going on?”

“Bullshit? Loki and I have been seeing each other since Odin sent him back to Earth. While I helped him rebuild the Bifrost we realized there was a lot we had in common and that we liked having sex with each other.”

Steve quickly did the math in his head. “That’s almost two years. You’ve been dating Loki for two years?”

Tony shrugged and said, “Give or take. Our actual anniversary isn’t for another two weeks. We don’t count the months we were just fucking around while he worked on the Bifrost. That was stress relief as much as anything else.”

Steve asked, “Do your children know about your relationship with Loki?” He couldn’t imagine Darcy or Peter would be thrilled about Tony fraternizing with the enemy. Both of them had seen Loki’s destruction up close.

Loki smiled widely. “Oh, Tony’s children are very fond of me, just as my children are very fond of Tony. We are quite the blended family.”

Tony smirked and said, “Yeah, we are.”

“You have children?” asked Clint in shock.

Thor proudly said, “Aye, my brother has four children.”

Steve was curious at this point. “Where are your children? Why aren’t you with them?”

Loki said, “Sleipnir and Hela are adults and no longer need seeing after. Jormungand is at school and Fenrir is taking a nap.”

“Wait! Your kids are on Earth? I didn’t approve that shit. We can’t have random powered people just walking around without knowing about them. Especially when they are children of the God of Chaos,” railed Fury.

Tony said, “You didn’t need to approve it. Odin spoke directly to the World Security Council. His grandchildren are to be treated as a foreign ambassador would be treated unless they cause trouble at which point they would be recalled to Asgard. They have all settled in well here and haven’t caused any trouble. You didn’t even know they were here. Listen, I have better things to be doing and Loki and I have plans this evening. I am with Loki and there is nothing you can do about it. If anything happens to one of us or one of our kids…things will become very unpleasant.”

Thor nodded in agreement. “I gladly help protect Midgard and its inhabitants but I will not stand idly by if my kin are harmed by SHIELD. In this, we are allies or we are foes. There is no middle ground to be had.”

Fury ground his teeth but realized when he was beat. Going toe to toe with two pissed off Norse Gods and someone as smart and reckless as Tony Stark didn’t bode well. Moreover, the looks from the rest of the Avengers seemed to sway toward their favor. He turned around and stormed toward the elevator.

Tony clapped his hands and said, “Now that the grilling is over I was serious about everyone fucking off for awhile. I intend to do some truly graphic things to Loki before our dinner tonight. I mean you can totally stay if that’s your kink…otherwise…”

Bruce and Steve quickly got to their feet along with Coulson and started moving toward the elevator. They weren’t sure if Tony was serious but it was better that they didn’t find out.

Thor stood as well. He shook his head and said, “Loki, we will have words later. You cannot avoid me forever.”

Loki smiled. “No, I suppose that I cannot. We will speak later, Thor. You have my word.”

He smiled at Loki and then walked over to the elevator.

Natasha and Clint were the last to stand. “I will be watching you, Loki.”

“I would expect nothing less, little spider. Now run along.”


End file.
